Tuesday, August 05, 2008

holy testicles batman!

***WARNING****

The following post may contain information deemed TMI by many. Proceed with caution.

As I have stated many times before, my house is a revolving door of chaos. It is one of the few things that everyone pitches in and participates. On Sunday, hubby, who must have been feeling left out of the circle of chaos, decided it would be fun to visit the ER and give me a full blown panic attack. It started out as a typical summer Sunday - morning coffee, read the paper, boys fighting playing, laundry swishing. I decided to take Drake to the skate park to practice his ollies while hubby stayed back with Grady and his motorized Harley. When we return I notice hubby walking a bit strange. "Hitting the juice already honey?" He then rudely informed me that he was in pain and was trying to 'walk it off'. Yeah your walking something off buddy I'm sure!

So off I went to make lunch and get all the stuff ready to take to the pool. While eating, hubby said he felt better and was going to try and fix the lawnmower while I took the boys to the pool. (how I always get stuck taking them to the pool by myself is yet another mystery) I come home two hours later and I am in the process of putting Grady down for his nap when I hear moaning from our bedroom. I walk in to find hubby sprawled on the bed, pale and with the look of death on his face. "Uhhhh, are you Ok? You look a little pale..... WHERE are your pants?!?" "I can't walk. I think my brother is trying to steal my balls since he doesn't have any. Really Kat, it feels like someone is trying to rip my nut off." "Ummmm, Ok.... let me consult Dr. Google. I think you should go to the doctor." "And say WHAT... my ball hurts!!?" Obviously his condition was not effecting his testosterone. Geez!"

As I began my consultation with Dr. Google things did not look good. "Good news honey... it's not cancer! Says here that cancer is painless. Do you have any lumps? It says I should check for lumps." "Dude, you touch my sack and I am going to hurt you." (again, testosterone in full check) "Well it says if you have sudden and severe tecticular pain that you should rush to the doctor. You only have a 5-6 hour window before things can get real ugly." "What is real ugly?" "Well Dr. Google is using the word fatal but he may be exaggerating a wee bit. I still think we should go to the Urgent Care.

After much convincing hubby and I finally head to the local Urgent Care. "Here you write down my symptoms. I don't know what to write." "How about pain and swelling in right testicle???" Duhhh. "I can't write that!!" Sigh.... "Fine!! Give me the paper!" I scrawl out his symptoms and hand it back to the nurse. "What did you write??" "Um that I tried to emasculate you with tweezers and now you are complaining about the pain. Grrrrrr Kidding!! I wrote down your symptoms and that's it." In all honesty I don't see why we bothered with Urgent Care since we were only there for a whopping 5 minutes. The doctor had hubby drop his drawers and tried to cop a feel, which sent hubby straight to the ceiling. "Oh this is no good! You need to go to the ER." Really you think? That is why we are here!! That is all you can tell us? He then proceed to tell me everything Dr. Google had told me at home - for free!! "You need to have your testicle further examined sir before things get very bad." (Very bad = bye bye testicle)

After many hours and tests (and a shit load of money) at the hospital, hubby was found to have a severe contusion on his testicle. We still have no idea how or when but were told it was a good thing we got there when we did. These things are often ignored and turn ugly. I, personally have always found testicle to be quite homely, even ugly, so I am not sure how they could have gotten uglier.... but I digress. Thankfully hubby is home safe and sound but a little worn for wear. He has been instructed to rest, ice and medicate to help everything heal. I, on the other hand, am just hoping for a little peace and quiet before our next chaotic turn of events! This lassie has seen enough excitement for quite a while!

15 comments:

Ann said...

WHAT?!?
Not only do I need to be alert regarding my girls ups & downs but I need to be aware of my husbands balls as well?!?
Ugh.

Now on to something completely different...
The Dimes http://www.myspace.com/thedimes

Blondefabulous said...

Of all the nutty things to have happen! Did you guys ever figure out why his boys were hurting? I bet he did something and is too embarassed to tell you!

BusyDad said...

OUCH OUCH. I can't sit normally right now. Sympathy ache. His "googling that my ball hurts?" cracked me up. You rarely hear the term as a singular. When you do, it is pure comedy.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

I feel really really bad about my laughing my ass off at your husbands nutsack trauma.

Jes said...

Does he know you blogged this?!?!? You are a brave woman. Oh who am I kidding, I too would be at the computer first thing home from the ER. Glad it is not serious and his manhood is still intack

Diane said...

I can't believe you got him to go to the hospital. My husband once broke his ankle and refused to go to the hospital for a full week!

I'm glad he is feeling better and nothing fatal or very bad happened.

Putz said...

WOW WHAT A STORY, YOU AND RUS FROM DAD'S THAT MOCK THE WORLD SITTING AROUND WITH SOMETHING COLD ON YOUR TESTICLES, WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT??

Baby Newell said...

So I haven't visited your blog in awhile (due to the sheer lack of sleep compliments of Jaxon), and this is the most recent post!?! Poor hubby. Not because of his ball, but because you've shared his story with us all! :) Hope he's feeling better.

Denguy said...

Ow, erg, ouch!
My wife once stepped full on one of my testicles when she was climbing over the chair I was sitting in.
Ow.

Kim H. said...

Ow, I'm cringing and I don't even have a ballsack! Poor hubs.

Having two boys, whenever they mention their balls hurting, I'm always like "aaaahhh, go talk to you dad" - now I'll know what to do when dh ignores their complaining.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Your husband's testicle was featured on BS Sunday on the Houston Chronicle Online: http://tinyurl.com/6c2w4u

JenniBeanV said...

I had to crack up at Jenny's comment that your husband's testicle was featured...bahahahahaha!

I am glad he's okay though! What an ordeal!

Andrea said...

Poor hubby! That really sounds unpleasant. Balls are precious cargo, he should sratch a little more gently and be careful with them.

Karrie and Chrysti said...

Your poor hubby! Glad he's ok. And your right...urgent care sucks! Between my husband and two boys I've had my fair share of emergencies and we now skip urgent care altogether and head straight to the ER.

jt said...
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